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F A I L E D    M I S S I O N S - November 14, 2006 I was thinking that the Buffalo Sabres missed the mark badly with their new uniforms, until the New York Islanders came along with those grotesque pumpkin coloured outfits they keep wearing. In the Islanders case there could be a method to their madness. Those uniforms are so bad I've totally forgotten about the "back-up goalie becomes GM" story. Hockey analyst Pierre Maguire is personally responsible for popularizing in-home use of the mute button. I'm totally in favour of putting this guy down at ice level, as a couple of networks have done. The mistake they made was letting him take his microphone with him. Despite the fact the Toronto Maple Leafs are dripping in money, they still found it necessary to include the McDonalds logo on their AHL Toronto Marlie helmets and sweaters. In baseball, the New York Yankees regard their uniform so sacred that player names aren't even allowed on the back. Leaf founder Conn Smythe must have rolled over in his grave as he watched the Leafs greed sink to a new low. Players from the golden era of hockey (1950's and 1960's)) love to talk about how rough and intimidating the game was back then. Thanks to digital television we can now see all kinds of replays from that era. I've watched dozens of games and still haven't seen a decent body check thrown in anger. Speaking of the good old days, there was a time when all NHL teams had their defencemen take all the faceoffs in their own end of the rink. I'll bet no one in the world can answer these trivia questions. What season did this strategy come to a complete end? Who was the last team to do this? And who was the last defenceman to do this on a full time basis? Like an old sock in a dryer, this strategy just disappeared and no one can explain it. You can hire the best athlete's in the world. They can use the most sophisticated training methods known to man. You can outfit them in the most advanced equipment on the market. You can outfit arenas with fancy strobe lights and heavy duty sound systems. But once the puck is dropped you can't hide the fact that the ice conditions in the majority of rinks in the NHL are a joke. But the owners are going to fix that problem one day. Honest. Teams that use singular nicknames (Wild, Lightning, Avalanche) should be forced to try again. No reason for saying this other than they bug me. Not that all the plural type names are perfect. Hurricanes is about as dumb as they come too. Then again some of the older names aren't exactly perfect. Many have said that the Toronto Maple Leafs should be called the Maple Leaves. And most fans outside of Canada are quietly wondering "what the heck is a Canuck anyway?". I understand the need for the NHL to keep it's referees safe. The game moves at incredible speeds and these guys aren't as well protected as the players are. But it just doesn't seem right to insist that veteran referee Mick McGeough should wear a helmet. Safety is one thing, but not if it makes you look like Fred Flintstone's little alien buddy Kazoo.

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