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F A I L E D    M I S S I O N S - February 6, 2007 Failed Missions: Russian Style Russian hockey has a lot to do with the way today’s wide-open, skilled hockey looks. It was the shocking strength of the Russian hockey machine during the 1972 Canada/Russia series that brought about major change to the North American approach to the game. While the Russians have taught us a lot, one mission they have failed on badly is the post whistle scrum. Russians have no idea how to work a good post whistle scrum. They can’t face-rub properly. They don’t have any good one-liners to mock their opponents. They don’t know how to shield themselves behind the safety of the peace keeping linesmen. And they don’t know how to chirp an opponent all the way back to the players bench. This hadn’t occurred to me until this past weekend. First I saw Alexander Ovechkin in two post whistle scrums on the same shift. He might as well have swiped his opponent’s cheek with a hanky and told him that his mother wore army boots. No style whatsoever. In fact most opponents end up liking Ovechkin better after the scrum than before the scrum. Sean Avery would not approve. Then I saw Toronto’s Nick Antropov in a post whistle showdown with Ottawa’s Chris Phillips . Antropov had a huge reach advantage. By failing to bend his knees, as all good post whistle combatants do for balance, his shoves and jabs were like love taps. The linesman asked Antropov if he wanted him to leave and come back later, thereby giving him a chance to work on his style. It’s only fair we help these Russian guys out. If they were kind enough to teach us all about conditioning and skill, the least we can do is train them to excel in the tedious post whistle huddles. Starting this summer they will all be given free enrollments into the all new Mathew Barnaby School of Scrum. By next fall we’ll see Russian hockey players racking up misconducts and unsportsmanlike minor penalties in big numbers. Opponents will become incensed by their stinging verbal one liners. The league may have to add a third linesmen to restore order. Based on that successful summer program, we can look forward to other off season lessons to help our Russian friends adapt. Already there’s word we may soon see the first Brett Hull School of Backchecking.

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