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  F A I L E D M I S S I O N S - February 13, 2007 There was a time when the NHL was considered to be the 4th major sport in the United States, falling behind football, baseball and basketball. Now we hear stories that hockey may be ranked as low as tenth, when it comes to t.v. ratings. There have been many reasons given for the supposed collapse in popularity. Some of them have merit. Some don’t. But Hockey Spy.com has come up with the number one reason for hockey’s decline. Not enough fat people. These hockey players are too well conditioned. They train all summer. They play over 80 games per year. They eat right. They sleep right. The tempo of their game only allows the most fit to participate. Hardly a haven for fat people. All you have to do is turn on your t.v. on Sunday afternoon during the football season and you can see all kinds of giant fat guys. Linemen are now tilting the scales just over or just under 300 lbs. A giant hanging belly is a badge of honour. Their thighs are wider than most people’s waist. But don’t kid yourself. These guys can move when they have to. And the average fat fan at home loves every second of it. Major League Baseball has it’s share of blubber boys as well. They might not be able to play centre field or shortstop, but they can easily hold down a spot at first base. And the designated hitter has been a huge bonus for fat guys, who waddle out of the dugout four times per game, smack the ball over the fence, and take 4 minutes to round the bases. Ditto for the NBA. Oh sure they have their share of top athletes. But it’s not impossible for a pudgy centre to post up down low and cause damage to any fancy boy who tries to dunk the ball. It’s time for hockey to start feeding their players pre-game meals featuring burgers, fries, cakes, pies and cookies. Every team should be required by law to carry at least 3 fat guys. They can play defence and never leave their own zone. They can run at guys in the corner at top speed, miss by 5 feet and bounce off the shiny glass like a slow moving pinball. The timing couldn’t be better. The NHL is switching to new slim style sweaters next year. All the better for the fat boys to show their stuff. Television ratings will skyrocket. Millions of overweight couch potatoes will fall in love with the game. Team owners will pocket millions from increased revenues. If they are smart the first thing they’ll do with their cash bonanza is buy a donut franchise and encourage their players to drop in on a regular basis. Free scales will be sent to all season ticket holders. Speedos and bikini’s too. The new league slogan will be “Let it all hang out.” The NHL has failed in it’s mission to successfully market finely tuned athletes. Bring on the fat guys and watch the game take America by storm. Misery loves company. |
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