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  J O K E & D A G G E R - November 13, 2006 Upon his return, he prepared a full report. In the introduction, he wrote that he had some good news, some bad news and some strange news. Here's what else the report said: "Most of what I have to tell you is good news. You wouldn't believe what I saw. All the players were wearing helmets to protect their heads. Some even wore face shields, that were like little windows that covered their faces. Even the referees wore these helmets And guess what? They were using two referees instead of one. The goalies were all wearing really fancy masks. They were painted with all kinds of strange designs. Their pads weren't brown. They were coloured. And their trappers were more like baskets. The players sticks aren't made of wood. Ever heard of one piece sticks? And the stick blades aren't straight. They're shaped like bananas. Apparently they need them curved so they can shoot with a new technique called the slapshot. They even use coloured tape. The arenas are huge. They play loud music all the time. They come out in the dark and then giant spotlights flash the team logo across the ice. They use glass that doesn't break, instead of wire along the top of the boards. They have a giant movie screen on the clock, that can show you the goals, right after they happen. There is advertising right on the boards. There is advertising on the ice. There is advertising signs everywhere you look. They tell me they need to do this to pay the players. You will be shocked to learn how much they get paid. You should sell your team as soon as you can. These players are treated like kings. They fly in giant airplanes called jets. They have telephones that don't need cords. They have people who carry around their money for them. They call them agents. I had lunch with a few players before the game. Do you know that they don't eat steak before games anymore? Now they eat pasta and drinks all kinds of water. They still have sportswriters and newspapers, but they also have newspapers that appear on small movie screens call the internet. People at home can watch them play on small boxes with screens on them. You would be very surprised to see how the fans dress for these games. Some of them don't wear suits. And I didn't see any fedoras. The players can't be very smart. Most teams have 3 or 4 coaches. And the players must be lazy. Every team now has four forward lines and three pairs of defencemen. And get this. All the teams have two goalies. The spare guy must get real bored. And I thought first base coaches had it easy. Here's the real shocker. Some of the players weren't born in Canada. They have players from all over Europe. Even some Americans. It's no wonder. They don't have six teams anymore. I lost track of how many. The players are really big and really fast. But they aren't allowed to touch the puck very much. They have a new ritual that allows you to rub your glove in your opponents face, after every whistle. Looks like fun. Are you sitting down? The goalies get to pass the puck around all the time! If the game is tied, they play overtime for 5 minutes. But you can only put 4 skaters on the ice. If it's still tied after 5 minutes they resort to penalty shots. Before doing that, they ask the zomboni to come back out. But the zamboni must have been low on gas. The guy only flooded the middle of the ice. They tell me that until just recently, the referees weren't allowed to participate in the overtime. Apparently they were required to put their whistle in their pockets. How weird is that? Now they let the referees use their whistles again, and from what I can tell they can't stop blowing them. From once extreme to the other. Sometimes one team says they've scored. Then the other team says they haven't. You would think that with all those referees on the ice, someone would make a decision. Instead, they phone someone and ask him to decide. You think they would ask the goal judge. Or at least someone who is at the game. The goalies keep water bottles on top of their nets. Can't figure out why, unless there are lots of holes in the ice. Now for the bad news. They have made changes to the rule book. When a player falls down there is a penalty every time. Sometimes the defender gets a penalty. Other times the puck carrier gets a penalty for something called "diving." Apparently some guys are falling down on purpose. And if you shoot the puck into the crowd, you go to the box for 2 minutes. The puck supply must be getting low. Things are pretty wild at some of these games. They sell beer to the fans. No wonder. All these changes would drive anyone to drink. As for the strange news, I think their political system is totally different now. I'm sure they still have Tories and Liberals, but I don't think the Prime Minister holds the same powers as he did in the forties. It seems some other guy is in charge of the country. I kind of like him. He dresses likes us, talks like us, and even thinks like us. He goes by the name of Don Cherry. |
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