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  J O K E & D A G G E R - February 19, 2007 The NHL has struggled for years to try and convince Americans to give the sport a chance. It’s obvious the current regime cannot figure things out by themselves. So Hockey Spy.com has offered to supply the NHL with a sure fire marketing plan. This will be especially effective in the south, where things like NASCAR auto racing are currently more popular than hockey. The first step is to rename Sidney Crosby. His new moniker will be Billy Bob Crosby. A line change by the players will now be referred to as a pit stop. The coach will now be known as the crew chief. And the rest of the coaching staff will be identified as the pit crew. Before every game the announcer will declare “Gentlemen drop the puck.” Players will only be able to skate in a counter clockwise direction. Teams on the offensive attack will enter the opposing zone in single file. When a team goes offside a yellow caution flag will be waived by the linesman. A defence pair will be referred to as dual turbos. When a team is called for icing the puck the announcers will describe it as a move to conserve fuel. If the home team wins, the zamboni driver will be required to execute of series of circular “donuts” while pumping his fist in the air. When two opposing players race down the ice for a loose puck the linesman will use a checkered flag to identify the winner. Should a puck carrier move from the left wing to the right wing on a line rush, the play will be known as a lane change. When a player’s skate loses an edge that requires a sharpening, it will be known as a tire change. When a player falls down he will have blown a tire. Above average skaters will be identified as players with additional horse power. As the teams enter the Nextel Cup (previously known as the Stanley Cup) playoffs, the team with the most points during the regular season will be called the pole sitter. And by far the most savy marketing plan the NHL can use to woo the south is this: Cousins who can prove they are married will be admitted on a two for one ticket deal. |
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