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  J O K E & D A G G E R - January 8, 2007 Hockey Spy.com has been able to listen in on alien spacecraft communications as it raced back into orbit. A verbal report was being sent back to their home planet regarding the sporting activities observed while here on earth. The comments they made regarding the game of hockey were most interesting: “This hockey is a strange game to say the least. They all chase this little black piece of rubber around. It’s called a puck. This puck must be revered by all the players because they talk about it all game long. I must have heard the players say “puck you” about a thousand times each game. A lot of the bigger guys kept saying “you don’t want to puck with me”. “The idea is to shoot the puck into a rectangular item known as a net. As soon as it enters the net both teams run around and scream at some guy called the referee. The referee must be afraid of them, because he runs away to the middle of the rink and puts on a pair of headphones. I don’t know what song he is listening to but it must start out slow and then suddenly pick up in tempo, because he stands there bobbing his head for a minute or so, and then he suddenly starts gyrating and pointing to center ice. The people watching love this and start cheering really loud as soon as he points.” “When the teams are chasing the magic puck around it will often go into the corner. From what I can tell the smaller guys have better manners than the bigger guys. Every time the puck goes into the corner the smaller guys insist the bigger guys go in first. Sometimes two big guys go into the corner at the same time and try and smash each other into the glass. Their equipment doesn’t seem to fit right. Their gloves fall off onto the ice. They get real mad about the gloves not fitting and they start punching each other in the face. The referee has to try and stop them. His gloves must have been way too big, because he doesn’t wear them at all.” “Just when the game seems to be moving along at a nice pace, it is stopped for something they call a t.v. timeout. Which seems like a waste of time, because none of the fans have a t.v. with them, and none of them get up and go to look for a t.v. elsewhere. The players stand around near their bench and drink a bunch of water. It obviously doesn’t taste too good because they spit it back out right away.” “Some players seem to be on the ice all the time. Other players seem to rest on the bench all the time. These guys don’t say too much but our mind scanners discovered they all think the same 3 things while sitting there. It’s either “put me on the ice you friggin idiot” or “check out the babe in row 7”, or “for $400,000 you can sit me here all night for all I care.” “The referee is obviously lacking in respect. When he catches a player breaking a rule he kicks him off the ice. But two minutes later the player comes back on the ice and starts playing again, and the referee doesn’t notice or doesn’t seem to care.” “Not only that, every time the referee sends a player off the ice, the rest of the team starts pouting. Instead of trying to score they just get the puck and shoot it all the way down the ice. Geesh, if they don’t want to play anymore they should just go home.” “The fans are more gracious than the players. When the game is about to end they sing farewell to the visiting team. I guess they are thanking them for coming to play. One player in particular gets special thanks for showing up. His name is Na-na-na-na. The fans sing out loud to him “Na-na-na-na, Na-na-na-na, Hey Hey, Good bye.” “I guess some guy named Wayne Gretzky used to be a big star in this game. From what I can tell he must have had a really huge jockstrap. I heard one player tell Sidney Crosby over and over that he wasn’t any good and that “you couldn’t carry Gretzky’s jock” “Maybe we could start up our own team back on Mars. It would probably take us a long time before we could challenge for a Stanley Cup. Probably 40 years or more. Maybe longer. That’s what some guy named Ferguson in Toronto told me” |
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