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BYE BYE  -  posted on Tues. Apr. 24, 2012


Hockey Spy.com will return next September for a new season of hockey espionage.



RED LIGHT DISTRICT  -  posted on Sat. Apr. 7, 2012



The GJA is in trouble. That would be the Goal Judges Association. With membership continuing to dwindle, this once rock-solid union is now teetering on extinction.

“It’s a damn shame,” sighed Goal Judge Association president Harold “Quick Finger” Jones. “Retired goal judges all over North America are horrified at what is happening to a once-great profession.”

You can blame it all on technology.

With the advent of net-cams, the day of the real NHL goal judge is all but ancient history. Oh sure, they still pay people to turn the red light on. But they don’t sit right behind the net anymore, allowing them to be the first to know. Money-grubbing owners don’t want to give up the ticket revenue any longer. Goal judges have been relegated to seats much higher in the stands. By the time they realize that the puck is in the net, and hit the switch, everyone else in the rink is already celebrating.

By removing goal judges from their front rows seats, the league also removed their ability to actually “judge”. Referees no longer consult goal judges, unless they want to know how good the popcorn is in a given rink. Goal judges have now become "maybe it’s a goal" confirmation units.

Former Detroit goal judge, Red "Light” Thompson, laments the now lost art of goal judging. “Not only did we need superb eye sight, and lightning quick reflexes, more than anything we needed the self-discipline required to remain totally focused on the game, despite the hot babes sitting all around us in the lower bowl.”

Sadly, that kind of skill isn’t needed anymore. A net-cam has no interest in babes.

Clearly, not all technology is a sign of progress.






FUNNY HOCKEY QUOTES  -  posted on Mon. Mar. 26, 2012



Hockey Spy.com did a little bit of surfing on the internet to dig up some funny and/or curious hockey quotes:

"I'm not dumb enough to be a goalie."
Brett Hull.

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my (expletive) clothes." Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker.

"I just tape four Tylenols to it."
Edmonton’s Boris Mironov, on playing with a sore ankle.

"We take the shortest route to the puck and arrive in ill humor."
Bobby Clarke.

"One road trip we were stuck on the runway for seven hours. The plane kept driving and driving until we arrived at the rink and I realized we were on a bus."
Glenn Healy, on his IHL time.

"Or as hockey player Sergei Fedorov knows it, 'The day I can legally start telling everyone I am sleeping with Anna Kournikova.' On the Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn, Kilborn noted Monday was Anna Kournikova's 18th birthday.

"Part of the learning curve in Edmonton is learning to hate Calgary."
Steve Smith.

"As always, I remain hopeful that Don Cherry won’t be offered the same length contract." Broadcaster Ron MacLean, on his four year contract renewal.

"I have to thank the guy who fired me because he was also the guy who hired me." Serge Savard, on his firing from Montreal.

”All that means is that I'll be 783 years old when I catch Scotty Bowman.” - Sharks coach Kevin Constantine following a home game victory.

”Aw, don't worry about that Doc. If it happens I could always come back as a forward.” - Canucks defenceman Harold Snepsts

”Either you give it right back or the next thing you know everyone and his brother will be trying you on for size.” - Doug Harvey

”Goaltending is a normal job, sure. How would you like it in your job if every time you made a small mistake, a red light went on over your desk and 15,000 people stood up and yelled at you.” - Jacques Plante

”Hockey is the only job I know where you get paid to have a nap on the day of the game.” - Chico Resch

”I know my players don't like my practises, but that's OK because I don't like their games.” - Harry Neale.

”I think he knows all my tricks. Or the fact I don't have any tricks - Brendan Shanahan on trying to score against Curtis Joseph.

“I'm hoping for a bench clearing brawl during the warm up so I can go out and grab his stick.” - Ron Tugnutt on playing against legend Wayne Gretzky

”I was happy to have an attraction in our building that we didn't have to pay for.” - Harold Ballard

”Ice hockey is a form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept.” - Doug Larson

”Hockey's the only place where a guy can go nowadays and watch two white guys fight.” - Frank Deford

”I'd be lying to you if I said guys weren't afraid of him. I'm afraid of him, afraid of him running in to me.” - Paul Laus

”If you've only got one day to live, come see the Toronto Maple Leafs. It'll seem like forever. ” - Unknown

”It takes brains. It's not like a forward, where you can get away with scoring and not play defense. On defense you have to be thinking.” - Chris Chelios

”It would have been worse if we hadn't blocked the kick after Toronto's second touchdown.” - Alex Delvecchio

”Last season we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure was that I couldn't think of any place else to play.” - Harry Neale

”My former wife made me a millionaire. I used to have three million dollars.”- Bobby Hull




YES, IT'S TRUE  -  posted on Fri. Mar. 16, 2012



By now most hockey fans are aware of Maple Leaf GM Brian Burke’s crusade to drive homophobia out of NHL nation. The new Maple Leaf track suit design is further proof that Burke wants more people to come out of the closet and admit the truth: Yes, they are in fact, Leaf fans.

That takes a lot of guts to admit, but society has reached a point where it is prepared to embrace Leaf fans as one of their own, without any prejudice or ridicule.







THE REVOLVING DOOR  -  posted on Sat. Mar. 3, 2012



While Maple Leaf GM Brian Burke took the high road at today’s press conference, to announce the firing of coach Ron Wilson, Hockey Spy.com has learned that Burke had a shortlist of ten reasons for making the move.

Wilson refused to wear a Punch Imlach style fedora behind the bench.

Wilson wouldn’t smoke the cigars that Pat Quinn left behind in the coach’s office.

Wilson's voice wasn’t as deep as previous coach Paul Maurice.

Wilson wouldn’t meet with Red Kelly to discuss pyramid power.

Wilson wouldn’t attack the LA Kings coach/bench like Pat Burns did.

Wilson wouldn’t dye his hair snow white to honour John Brophy.

Wilson wouldn’t rag doll Brian Glennie like Dan Maloney once did.

Wilson wouldn’t go to the racetrack with Mike Nykoluk.

Wilson wouldn’t wear lousy ties like Roger Nielsen did.

And in a show of outright defiance, Wilson refused to date Yolanda Ballard.


Having had a chance to analyze the above list, to us, it is very clear....Wilson had to go.

New Leaf coach Randy Carlyle was almost late for his introductory press conference today. He was out shopping for a new fedora and lost track of time.




DEAR DIARY  -  posted on Sun. Feb. 26, 2012



With the NHL trade deadline rapidly approaching, a lot of team General Managers are locked down in their offices, racking up big phone bills, trying to swing a deal. One such GM keeps a daily diary of his activities, enabling him to refesh his memory the following year.

Hockey Spy.com has been able to obtain his diary entry from yesterday, a mere 48 hours before the deadline arrives. His name shall remain confidential, for obvious reasons...if we told you who he was, you would then know who he was.

Dear Diary:

I’d rather not make a trade today. But maybe I’d better. Who knows what those clown owners are thinking. I could pick up Joe Nobody plus an eighth-round draft choice for our seven-round draft and they wouldn’t know the difference.

I should at least move a few draft picks around. With the mother-in-law visiting our house today, I need some kind of excuse for not being there. Now there’s a person I’d love to put on waivers today. Non-recallable waivers.

If I stand pat, and that idiot GM down the highway makes a big move, I could get slaughtered in the media. I’d better do something just in case he does. Lord, knows he’s been making enough noise about doing something big. Then again, what if he has no intention of doing anything, and he's actually posturing, trying to force me to do something stupid. Like last year…and the year before. I’m not falling for that old ruse again this year…I don’t think.

As usual, those clowns in the media are spewing all kinds of fictional rumours around town. The idea that I would move our top goalie is laughable, but not half as funny as this nonsense that I should be fired. I wasn’t hired to deliver a Stanley Cup in one year. I’m only in year-seven of a well thought out five-year plan. What do they expect, miracles?

Our always-whining captain was in here again today, reminding me of the no-trade, no-movement clause in his contract. After watching three different opponents walk around him and score last night, I can safely say the no-movement part of his contract is being honoured by both sides.

I hope that clown that won it all last year doesn’t call here looking to make a deal. He’s been spreading false rumours around the league that I reneged on a deal at the last minute last year. What a bunch of crap. I know for a fact there were two minutes left. Besides, I didn’t renege. I changed my mind.

We've all heard that old joke about a hockey player being traded for a bag of pucks. That’s something I absolutely have to do before I retire from this job. Last week, I offered our backup goalie to the clowns in the Big Apple for a bag of pucks. They offered me two bags of pucks if I promised to keep him.

Back to the phones…..







YOU ARE MY VALENTINE  -  posted on Tues. Feb. 14, 2012



Our agents were able to intercept a number of hockey Valentine cards sent out today including:


FROM BLUE JACKETS GM SCOTT HOWSEN TO BLUE JACKETS SEASON TICKET HOLDERS:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm trading Nash
And Carter too


FROM BLUE JACKETS GM SCOTT HOWSEN TO CAROLINA GM JIM RUTHERFORD

Roses are red
Violets are blue
We're in last place
And you are too


FROM THE MONTREAL CANADIENS PLAYERS TO GM PIERRE GAUTHIER

Roses are red
Violets are blue
We all agree
You don't have a clue


FROM CANUCKS GOALIE CORY SCHNEIDER TO CANUCKS GOALIE ROBERTO LUONGO

Roses are red
Violets are blue
You make more money
But I'm better than you


FROM SIDNEY CROSBY TO ALEXANDER OVECHKIN

Roses are red
Violets are blue
You used to score lots
Now you hardly do


FROM BOSTON BRUINS PATRICE BERGERON TO VANCOUVER CANUCKS ALEX BURROWS

Roses are red
Violets are blue
You choked in the finals
And on my finger too



















ALL-STAR IDEAS  -  posted on Mon. Jan. 30, 2012



Many hockey fans prefer the NHL All-Star Skills Competition to the actual All-Star game itself. That being the case, Hockey Spy.com has a short list of additional skill events that should be added to bring fans out of their seats:

All-Star Spitting: there’s a lot of gobbing happening on those player benches. This contest will measure total spitting distance, from a sitting position on the bench. Players with no front teeth will be ineligible.

All-Star Chirping: there’s a lot of trash-talking going on from those player benches. In groups of five, the opposing team will be asked to skate past the bench area. Miked-up players will then mock them over the arena sound system. Fans at home will vote online for the best chirper. Swearing is not only allowed, it is encouraged.

All-Star Lacing: breaking a skate lace can be a huge problem in a tight game. Having the ability to re-lace a skate boot without missing a shift is indeed a much-desired skill. Two opposing players will be seated on a bench a centre ice where a laceoff will take place rather than a faceoff.

All-Star Board Hopping: changing lines on the fly properly can mean the difference between a full fledged breakway or just another routine dump-in. Players will be marked on their clearance height when jumping over the boards, distance from the boards when landing, and overall style while flying through the air. Like all judging-based sports, there will be controversy.

All-Star Backup Goalie Hats: seeing as how most backup goalies spend the entire game on the bench with a baseball cap on top of their heads (usually turned backwards), all six all-star goalies will be asked to do a lap of the rink with the funniest/weirdest cap they can find. Bald goalies can opt for a new head-top tattoo instead. Once again, fans at home will vote online to determine the winner.

All-Star Concussions: two players will lineup at opposite ends of the rink on their respective goal lines. On the whistle, the two players will race at each other at top speed, resulting in a horrendous head-on collision at centre ice, similar to most line rushes in today’s NHL. The winner won’t be announced for several months after the game. The player missing the most games due to a concussion will win the car.

All-Star Coach Ejections: all six All-Star coaches in attendance will take turns going ballistic after a referee signals a goal, penalty or offside. Coaches will be given 30 seconds to yell, scream, and introduce new Don Cherry style wildman body language. Tossing sticks, pucks and trainers on the ice is encouraged.

All-Star Touch-icing: two players at a time will chase after an “iced” puck a top speed, in an attempt to be the first to touch it, before it crosses the end goal line. First player to be wallpapered into the end boards, and carried off in a stretcher wins. Here’s a tip: anyone wanting to win this event should make sure his skates are a dull as possible, for that extra slip and slide.

So it’s on to Columbus for next year’s All-Star gala. These eight new events will not only guarantee a sellout crowd, televisions ratings will skyrocket as well. Anyone can skate, pass or shoot. Let’s show the world some of the less-discussed special skills that make NHL players and coaches worth every penny they are paid.

Ooops, almost forgot. Wife-fighting will also be introduced at the Columbus event. Hockey Spy.com has learned that a secret wife-fighting rehearsal took place this past weekend in Ottawa. As this photo confirms, player's won't be fighting their own wives - that would be politically incorrect - but rather wives from other teams in their own division. Apparently this battle between a lady Islander and a rugged Devil defenceman was a long drawn out, toe-to-toe battle that could have gone either way.







DON'T KNOCK IT  -  posted on Sun. Jan. 22, 2012



FROM FLYERS GM PAUL HOLMGREN:

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Anita

Anita who?

Anita goalie, real bad.


FROM PENGUINS GM RAY SHERO

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Annie

Annie who?

Annie chance Sidney will be back this week?


FROM COLUMBUS GM SCOTT HOWSON

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Candace

Candace who?

Candace team ever win another game?


FROM MONTREAL GM PIERRE GAUTHIER

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Albie

Albie who?

Albie unemployed by April


FROM EDMONTON GM STEVE TAMBELLINI

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Dewey

Dewey who?

Dewey get the first overall draft pick every year?





SURVEY, SURVEY. READ ALL ABOUT IT.  -  posted on Thurs. Jan. 12, 2012



Sports Illustrated - a magazine that devotes at least three paragraphs per year to hockey - came out with the NHL’s "most overrated" list this week, causing quite a buzz amongst hockey people that tend to buzz a lot.

It was surprising to learn that 272 players agreed to participate in the survey. Hockey Spy.com has since learned that it was the NHL’s 272 worst players that responded, primarily because of the survey's final question: WHO ARE THE NHL'S 272 WORST PLAYERS? The best way to stay off the list, is to make sure someone else is on the list.

Obviously the spirit of Christmas has worn off quickly for most of these anonymous voters, who saw nothing wrong with throwing a fellow Players Association member under the bus.

That being the case, Hockey Spy.com has decided to conduct its own player survey. We expect at least 273 replies, primarily because we plan to ask who the NHL's worst 273 players are. Unlike the Sports Illustrated survey that went into the gutter only to generate sensational headlines, and sell a few extra magazines, our survey takes the high road and focuses on the game's most important issues:

1. Which player has the league's ugliest wife?

2. Which player is the biggest penny-pinching tightwad?

3. Which player is most obviously gay?

4. Which player breaks curfew most often?

5. Which player is the NHL's biggest scaredy cat?

6. Which player owns the most Justin Bieber CD's?

7. Which player owns the most Justin Timberlake CD's?

8. Which player, not named Lapierre, needs to be punched out?

9. Which player doesn't have a concussion?

10. Which player lies on his tax return the most?

11. Which player needs some air in his passenger side rear tire?

12. Which player is a terrorist planning to bomb Madison Square Garden?

13. Which player most skates like a girl?

14. Which player has the biggest nose?

15. Which player's mother wears army boots?









CHART TOPPERS  -  posted on Wed. Jan. 4, 2012



Songs that describe the NHL:



WE GOTTA GET OUT OF THIS PLACE
Phoenix Coyotes

I CAN’T GET NO SATISFACTION
Toronto Maple Leaf pathetic penalty killers

I FOUGHT THE LAW AND THE LAW WON
Chicago wild man Daniel Carcillo

I ONLY HAVE EYES FOR YOU
Daniel and Henrik Sedin

FREE FALLING
Minnesota Wild

THE THRILL IS GONE
Alex Ovechkin

WE’VE ONLY JUST BEGUN
Edmonton Oilers super-teens Ryan Nugent-Hopkins and Taylor Hall

THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN
Winnipeg Jets

SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL
Once great, now not so great, Marty Brodeur

THE WEIGHT
Winnipeg's Dustin Byfuglien

STILL HAVEN’T FOUND WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR
Flyer GM Paul Holmgren’s never-ending goalie problems.

STAND BY ME
Zdeno Chara

CHANGES
Columbus Blue Jackets

STAYING ALIVE
Ottawa Senators

HEY JOE
San Jose Shark Joe Thornton

WE GOTTA GET OUT OF THIS PLACE
Columbus stars Rick Nash and Jeff Carter

WILD THING
Tampa’s crazy man Steve Downie

OH WHAT A NIGHT
October 28, 2011. Final score: Winnipeg 9 Philadephia 8.

PEACE, LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING
Ottawa’s Zenon Konopka leads the NHL with 11 fighting majors

HE AIN’T HEAVY, HE’S MY BROTHER
Dallas Stars Jamie and Jordie Benn

I CAN’T MAKE YOU LOVE ME
Sean Avery

IT HURTS SO BAD
Always injured Islander goalie Rick Dipietro

LEADER OF THE PACK
Flyer centre Claude Giroux leads the NHL in points

AIN’T THAT A SHAME
Sidney Crosby and 28 others sidelined with concussion problems.












TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS  -  posted on Thurs. Dec. 22, 2011




On the first day of Christmas

Gary Bettman sent to me

A salary cap based on parity



On the second day of Christmas

Gary Bettman sent to me

Two trapazoids

And a salary cap based on parity



On the third day of Christmas

Gary Bettman sent to me

Three periods

Two trapazoids

And a salary cap based on parity



On the fourth day of Christmas

Gary Bettman sent to me

Four referees

Three periods

Two trapazoids

And a salary cap based on parity



On the fifth day of Christmas

Gary Bettman sent to me

Five minutes OT

Four referees

Three periods

Two trapazoids

And a salary cap based on parity



On the sixth day of Christmas

Gary Bettman sent to me

Six divisions playing

Five minutes OT

Four referees

Three periods

Two trapazoids

And a salary cap based on parity



On the seventh day of Christmas

Gary Bettman gave to me

Seven scalpers skimming

Six divisions playing

Five minutes OT

Four referees

Three periods

Two trapazoids

And a salary cap based on parity



On the eighth day of Christmas

Gary Bettman gave to me

Eight playoff series

Seven scalpers skimming

Six divisions playing

Five minutes OT

Four referees

Three periods

Two trapazoids

And a salary cap based on parity



On the ninth day of Christmas

Gary Bettman gave to me

Nine concussed players

Eight playoff series

Seven scalpers skimming

Six divisions playing

Five minutes OT

Four referees

Three periods

Two trapazoids

And a salary cap based on parity



On the tenth day of Christmas

Gary Bettman gave to me

Ten months of hockey

Nine concussed players

Eight playoff series

Seven scalpers skimming

Six divisions playing

Five minutes OT

Four referees

Three periods

Two trapazoids

And a salary cap based on parity



On the eleventh day of Christmas

Gary Bettman gave to me

Eleven divers diving

Ten months of hockey

Nine concussed players

Eight playoff series

Seven scalpers skimming

Six divisions playing

Five minutes OT

Four referees

Three periods

Two trapazoids

And a salary cap based on parity



On the twelfth day of Christmas

Gary Bettman gave to me

Twelve power plays

Eleven divers diving

Ten months of hockey

Nine concussed players

Eight playoff series

Seven scalpers skimming

Six divisions playing

Five minutes OT

Four referees

Three periods

Two trapazoids

And a salary cap based on parity


HO HO H0








CHRISTMAS SHOPPING  -  posted on Sun. Dec. 11, 2011



Hockey Spy.com’s network of agents have been infiltrating NHL dressing rooms for the past few weeks, trying to pick up ideas for this year’s Christmas shopping list. Here’s just a brief glimpse re: gifts we have decided on so far:

For Edmonton’s teenage sensation Ryan Nugent-Hopkins: A fake birth certificate that can be used to access the bars and nightclubs his teammates frequent on the road.

For new Anaheim coach Bruce Boudreau: A new form-fitting Speedo bathing suit to wear, following his move from chilly Washington to sunny California. Then again, that may be an image we don’t need after all. Change that to a pair of socks.

For Toronto captain Dion Phaneuf: A soccer net - allowing his wildly inaccurate slapshot to actually enter a net for the first time in months.

For Anaheim sniper Bobby Ryan: A no-trade clause from Santa Claus, to help him deal with all the trade rumours swirling around.

For former Penguin bad boy Matt Cooke: Some nasty pills to help the former cement head avoid being a Lady Byng trophy candidate.

For Nashville's Mike Fisher: We thought Carrie Underwood’s husband might enjoy a new Faith Hill CD, just to stir the pot at home.

For Buffalo goalie Ryan Miller: An autographed picture of Milan Lucic, along with a bottle of aspirins.

For Dallas defenceman Sheldon Souray: An Oilers Fan Club membership, to help him remember the team that tried to bury him in the AHL forever.

For Toronto forward Philippe Dupuis: An assist - to help him solve his point-free season. Or should we call it a pointless season? How is that possible anyway? You would think a puck would at least bounce of his foot at some point.

For Washington’s chronic underachiever Alexander Semin: A heart. (Special thanks to Dorothy, Toto, The Tinman, and the Lollipop Kids for the idea).

For Calgary’s Jay Bouwmeester: A set of NHL playoff tickets, for the nine-year veteran who has yet to qualify for post-season play.

For brittle St. Louis defenceman Carlo Colaiacovo: An NHL Injured Reserve List without his name on it.

For former Anaheim coach Randy Carlyle: A job

For Ottawa goalie Alex Auld: A new set of luggage for the lifetime backup goalie, who is playing for his ninth different NHL team.

For upcoming Edmonton defenceman Alex Plante: A hockey nickname he can live with, before teammates start calling him “Jock”....Jock Plante.

For NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman: A Phoenix Coyote fan, just to prove there is such a thing.

And before we get back to our shopping list, Hockey Spy.com is proud to announce a world-first! There's no shortage of pictures of old St. Nick, but one of our agents has obtained some microfiche with a rare photo of the real Mrs. Claus. Here's a never-seen shot of Santa's old lady, as she and Santa enjoy a rare quiet moment together:








MUSICAL CHAIRS  -  posted on Fri. Dec. 2, 2011


  Ring, ring, ring...
Bruce:   Hello?
Randy:   Hello, Bruce Boudreau, this is your old pal Randy Carlyle calling. I just wanted to call and say how sorry I was, to hear that you had been fired by Washington.
Bruce:   Thanks, Randy. It hurts. But like everything in life, everything happens for a reason. Actually, I have good news and I have bad news.
Randy:   Tell me more.
Bruce:   The good news is that I’ve already found a new job.
Randy:   Fantastic!
Bruce:   The bad news is that it’s your job
Randy:   Click







WALKING THE RED CARPET  -  posted on Mon. Nov. 28, 2011



American Thanksgiving celebrations have come and gone for another year. Once again, there was a full slate of NFL football games to enjoy, but not so much as a single NHL hockey game could be found. Most sports fans believe the NHL didn’t want to go head-to-head with the NFL for viewers.

The truth is, NHL hockey was suspended last Thursday so the 43rd Annual Trainers Awards could take place down in Las Vegas. This annual awards gala gives the ninety some-odd NHL trainers and equipment managers their brief moment of glory.

There are three major awards given out each year:

THE QUICK-DRAW MCGRAW AWARD:

Handed out annually to the trainer with the speediest response time to a broken stick situation. All NHL teams keep a large supply of back-up sticks close the bench area. Player’s sticks are individually numbered for easy/rapid identification. When a player breaks a stick, and races to the bench, the team trainer is expected to have his back-up stick waiting for him upon his arrival. Accuracy is crucial if a team wants to avoid hilarious situations such as Brad Marchand finishing a shift with Zdeno Chara’s stick in his hands. This year’s winner, Sid Shaft, of the Dallas Stars, has retrieved 1,263 sticks accurately and on time, averaging 4.67 seconds per stick retrieval, shattering the old mark of 5.23 seconds held by former Bruin trainer Carl Cue.


THE KURT CUTT AWARD:

Awarded annually to the best “cut man” in the NHL. When an NHL player tumbles to the ice, wreathing in pain, as blood pours out of his skull like a leaky garden hose, NHL trainers are expected to navigate the slippery ice surface in their running shoes, with towel in hand, and tend to the wounded warrior as soon as possible. While some trainers rely on the steady arm of a linesman to guide them to the injured player, this year’s winner, Stan Stitches, of San Jose, has refused such assistance for the past 22 years, and still managed to establish a new record arrival time of 11.23 seconds. The NHL stats department estimates that Stan has prevented over 11,000 quarts of blood from ever hitting the ice, thanks to his ability to identify a cut situation before the player himself realizes he has been skewered. While most trainers wait for the players-bench door to open before racing to the scene, Stitches has always used his famous Fosbury Flop technique to hurl himself over the boards all in one fluid motion.


THE DOUGLAS DULL AWARD

This prestigious award goes to the NHL’s best skate sharpener each season. Not only are trainers critiqued on the sharpness of each skate they handle, they are also monitored for their on-the-bench response time, when a player loses an edge at a crucial point in the game. How often have we seen the camera-man zoom in on an agitated superstar, who is sitting on the bench with only one skate on, waiting for his trainer to fix the problem, and get him laced up again? While some trainers have started using a portable sharpener that can be manipulated right on the bench, this year’s winner, Bobby Boot, of Calgary, has the foot-speed and sharpening speed to outperform the portable-style trainers by a large margin. Montreal’s Lou Laces holds the portable-style repair record of 1:16. Despite having to travel to the hallway before doing his magic, Boot averaged a shocking 1:09 last year, causing the NHL to ask Booth to pee in a bottle, to make sure he was not using any performance-enhancing drugs. That was scuttled when the trainer’s union (United Steelworkers and Hockey Gophers Alliance) filed on grievance on his behalf.

A few minor awards were handed out as well, including the Rookie of the Year Award to Chicago’s Wally Window, who removed and re-attached Jonathan Toew’s visor in a mere 27 seconds, and the Most Gentlemanly Trainer Award to Washington’s Long John Thompson, who just last week lent Sidney Crosby some hockey underwear, when the Penguin’s trainer Phil Phorgetful forgot that Sidney was still on the team.

A good time was had by all. Due to the lower salary levels of these trainers, all ninety of them shared the same hotel room, loading up the bathtub with ice to keep their limited beer supply super-cold. In a nice gesture meant to save all the boys some money, Minnesota trainer Dan Dufus offered to bring some of the Wild’s dressing room ice down to Vegas to stock the bathtub, but sadly the ice had melted long before he had crossed the Nevada border. Dufus had to race out and buy some more ice upon his arrival. As always, it was the thought that counts.







WHAT A COMEBACK!  -  posted on Tues. Nov. 22, 2011



Well, he’s back. And it was a sensational return. While many were surprised at how quickly he took over and dominated the game, no one should have been. This guy has been the league’s top player for many years now.

Elite players always find a way, especially in the clutch, on the big stage. They know how to rise to the occasion. It’s not something they need to think about, but rather it happens naturally.

Before last night’s game, he was asked if he remembered Mario Lemieux’s famous comeback game in December, 2000. Indeed, he did remember. Lemieux had a three-point game that night, after a nearly three-year absence. Lemieux went on to rack up 76 more points in just 43 games that season.

Sending the returning star out for the opening faceoff was a stroke of genius by his coach. In a matter of seconds he had used one of those floating saucer passes that only he can control, to set up his winger at the side of the net. A sure assist, became an almost assist, when his linemate rang the shot off the far goalpost. If nothing else, the ringing sound from the goalpost was an official announcement. The king was alive, long live the king.

By the time the evening had ended, he had two goals and two assists to show for his 15 minutes and 54 seconds of icetime. His teammates mobbed him after the final buzzer. His weary smile made it clear he was thrilled to be back, doing what he loves the most.

Yes sir, Bob McCusty was back in the Phil’s Donut Shop lineup, dominating the Old Goats Hockey League, despite missing two games with the flu. The four people bundled up in the stands had just witnessed a great moment in hockey history. They will always remember where they were the night Bob McCusty made his improbable comeback.





TRASH TALK  -  posted on Wed. Nov. 16, 2011



Trash talking.

It’s a long running tradition in hockey, designed to get an opponent off his game, and to trap him into some kind of punishable retaliation.

“You'll never be the man your mother is,” yells one.

The best trash talkers actually prepare in advance, and even conduct research on their opponent’s vulnerable spots, by interviewing some of their former teammates.

“Yeah, I’m fat. But you’re ugly. The difference is, I can lose the weight,“ barks out a nasty coach.

Obviously nothing irritates a trash talker more than the silent treatment. This happens when a targeted opponent hears the slur directed his way, but just turns away and moves on as if nothing had happened.

“You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you’re just the opposite. You’re obnoxious and arrogant,” sneers a trash talker to an overbearing referee.

Champion trash talker Matthew Barnaby recently told The Hockey News that there are some boundaries involved. In his opinion, a player’s children are not to be used as bait. But wives and girlfriends (in some cases both) are apparently fair game.

Keeping that in mind, Hockey Spy.com is willing to try a little bit of test trash talking - from behind the safety of an anonymous computer terminal:

“Hey Ryan Smyth, Billy-Ray Cyrus just called. He wants his mullet back.”

“Hey Martin St. Louis, You're so short you could bungee jump off a curb.”

“Hey Henrik Sedin, your brother Daniel is ugly.”

“Hey Patrick Kane, can you lend me a quarter for my next cab ride?”

“Hey Gaborik, what are you doing out here. Aren’t you supposed to be hurt?”

“Hey Ovechkin, can I see your Stanley Cup ring?”

“Hey Marchand you little twerp, look me in the knee when you say that.”

“Hey Burrows, bite me.”

“Hey Alfredsson, nice Alfred E. Newman imitation.”

“Hey Cammalleri stand up, oh you are.”

“Hey Dominic Moore, are you going drinking with Bertuzzi after the game?”

“Hey Johnny, Oduya do?”

“Hey Ales Hemsky, what’s your sister’s name? Alex?”

“You’re dead meat Crabb.”

“Hey Shawn Thornton, how’s the roid rage tonight?”

“Hey Jordin, that’s a lovely Tootoo you’re wearing.”

“Hey Avery, you’re normal, It’s the rest of the word that is screwed up.”




ALIEN COACH?  -  posted on Wed. Nov. 9, 2011



Go ahead. Someone convince us that Florida Panthers assistant coach Craig Ramsay isn’t a 94 year-old Klingon, and a personal friend of Spock’s.





Tell us again, why more teams don't try and screen the goalie on the power play?





Call us sceptics, but the rumour that Zdeno Chara and Martin St. Louis are actually identical twins separated at birth seems hard to believe. The hair colour, eyes and nose are more or less the same, nonetheless there's something different about these guys that we can't quite put our finger on.







NHL ALL-STAR GAME 2027  -  posted on Mon. Oct. 31, 2011



There was a time when people thought the world was flat. There was a time when people thought the moon was made of cheese. And there was a time when only Canadians and a couple of Americans played in the NHL. In recent times players from Russia, Czech Republic, Finland, Sweden and elsewhere have arrived on the scene as well. Does it end there?

Apparently not…new intelligence from our agents suggests that there will soon be a day when the NHL will feature players from other planets. In anticipation of that, Hockey Spy.com looks forward to a typical news report from the year 2027:

NHL ALL-STAR GAME 2027

by Larry "Rocket" Shipp

Hockey Writer

Solar System News

The NHL All-Star game takes place this weekend in the beautiful new complex just built in Greenville, Mars. Team Earth will once again go head-to-head against Team Solar System. It's quite a mixed bag this year with 4 Earthlings, 3 Martians, 3 Plutonians, and 2 Jupitorites named to the first and second all-star teams.

Here on Earth, aging veteran Sidney Crosby made the NHL All-Star team for the 20th straight season. And his young son Bing Crosby was the only rookie to make the Earth squad this year. Bing has dual citizenship as his dad was born on Earth, while his mom is a native of Mercury. This father and son tandem may eventually be ranked ahead of the famous Gordie Howe/Mark Howe/Marty Howe troika in both points and longevity.

Also named to the Earth contingent was the surprise selection of 7 year-old Veri Young who started the year in minor-novice hockey and made his way to the show by late November. Some fans were concerned that young Young might be exposed to adult situations that would be inappropriate for a kid his age, but that didn't seem to concern his parents. "He was already drinking a six-pack of beer most days at home, and has been happily married for two years now, so we think he can play and socialize with the older guys without encountering problems," said his mother.

After the strong year the Martian team had it's no real surprise that they had three of their players added to the Solar System team. The most impressive of those was defenceman Jan Tenna. He is as mobile as they come, drawing a lot of respect from players and coaches around the league. As one coach put it "that little green bastard is almost impossible to catch once he gets going. I remember seeing him play against the team from Saturn. He was skating rings around them."

Jan Tenna was originally going to sign with Pluto, but their entire franchise is shaky at best. Pluto fan support has never been the same since they lost their status as an official planet. It's twice as hard to draw players to play in such a non-traditional hockey market. There's just something different about them. True, the extra eye in the back of their head makes them all good playmakers, but it's more than that.

Jupiter coach George Jetson was thrilled to see some of his players named to the all-star team. "Our dog Astro was the most excited. He's a big hockey fan. My wife Jane bet me ten asteroid rocks that this would happen. This is one bet I'm glad to pay off."

NHL Commissioner Spock simply raised a single eyebrow when asked about the new additions to this year's team. "Things have been pointing that way for some time now" he said as he scratched one of his pointed ears. "I look forward to the day when we will see Vulcans and Klingons added to this annual classic as well."

Don't hold your breath waiting for that to happen. The top Vulcan players prefer to play in the VHL (Vulcan Hockey League) – a league that still allows use of the death-grip when battling for pucks in the corners. The death-grip was banned by the NHL several years ago, as it was believed that Earthlings were at a disadvantage, because they couldn’t execute it. The Earthlings still prefer to smash their sticks on top of their opponents' heads when angered.

One final note: Super-sniper Alex Asteroid will not be allowed to play in this year’s game. Asteroid is still serving a ten game suspension for telling referee Carl Cosmic to “kiss my butt.” Ironically, Asteroid is from Uranus.






ANATOMY OF A TRADE  -  posted on Sun. Oct. 23, 2011



Hockey Spy.com has tapped some GM phone lines to eavesdrop on how a typical NHL trade is consummated. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, and to protect Hockey Spy.com from a massive lawsuit. We also fear a purse in the head from one of the players’ wives.

G.M. #1: I’ll give you Smith for Jones, straight up.

G.M. #2: No chance.

G.M. #1: Smith has more points.

G.M. #2: Smith has 40 points in 60 games. Jones has 30 points in 20 games.

G.M. #1: It’s not my fault Jones is injury prone. I’ll take him off your hands anyway.

G.M. #2: He played 897 straight games before being hurt this year.

G.M. #1: Proves my point. Always hurt. But I’m willing to take a chance anyway.

G.M. #2: His shot has been timed at over 100 miles per hour.

G.M. #1: So he can’t shoot. I’ll look past that.

G.M. #2: Last year he scored 122 goals.

G.M. #1: So he has hands of stone. I’ll use him to kill penalities.

G.M. #2: I don’t think you are listening. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

G.M. #1: How about this Junkins guy I’m offering around. He rarely takes a penalty.

G.M. #2: He’s your back up goalie.

G.M. #1: He could be a number one goalie.

G.M. #2: Only if you change his sweater number.

G.M. #1: He’s never been beat to the glove side.

G.M. #2: He’s never played a game yet. Give me Kirk and you can have Jones.

G.M. #1: Kirk is injured right now. He hurt his feelings last game.

G.M. #2: I’ve heard from a very reliable source that Kirk wants out anyway.

G.M. #1 Did you talk to his agent?

G.M. #2: No, I heard this from my wife’s cousin’s brother.

G.M. #1: How would he know?

G.M. #2: Kirk is my wife’s cousin’s brother.

G.M. #1: Means nothing. He’s not the first guy to want out.

G.M. #2: I won’t take Smith or Junkins for Jones. And you won’t give me Kirk. How about Nelson? Would you give me Nelson for Jones?

G.M. #1: Not likely. He’s a great player. Not too bright though. He once called the operator to get the phone number for 911.

G.M. #2: That’s ok with me. Give me Nelson.

G.M. #1: He doesn’t want to upset his wife.

G.M. #2: I was told he was happily married.

G.M. #1: He is happily married. But his wife isn’t.

G.M. #2: I gotta make a trade. My owner is furious with me.

G.M. #1: How can you be sure?

G.M. #2: This morning he told me I was going to go far in this sport.

G.M. #1: What’s wrong with that?

G.M. #2: He also said the farther from him the better.

G.M. #1: You could always come and work for me.

G.M. #2: Sounds like a good idea

G.M. #1: I’ll go back to my first offer. Smith for Jones.

G.M. #2: Deal





HIGH-SPEED MARKETING  -  posted on Mon. Oct. 17, 2011



The NHL has struggled for years to try and convince Americans to give the sport a chance. Hockey Spy.com has offered to supply the NHL with a sure-fire marketing plan. Based on the NASCAR marketing model, this will be especially effective in the south. When it comes to NASCAR, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

The first step is to rename Sidney Crosby. His new moniker will be Billy Bob Crosby.

A line change by the players will now be referred to as a pit stop.

The coach will now be known as the crew chief.

The rest of the coaching staff will be identified as the pit crew.

Before every game the rink announcer will declare: "Gentlemen drop the puck."

Players will only be able to skate in a counter clockwise direction.

Teams on the offensive attack will enter the opposing zone in single file.

When a team goes offside a yellow caution flag will be waived by the linesman.

The zamboni machines will be equipped with dual turbo engines.

If the home team wins, the zamboni driver will be required to execute of series of circular "donuts", while pumping his fist in the air.

When a team is called for icing the puck, the announcers will describe it as a move to conserve fuel.

When two opposing players race down the ice for a loose puck, the linesman will use a checkered flag to identify the player who touches the puck first.

Should a puck carrier move from the left wing to the right wing on a line rush, the play will be known as a lane change.

When a player falls down he will be said to have blown a tire.

Above average skaters will be identified as players with additional horse power.

When reviewing the NHL team standings, the team sitting in first place will be known as the pole-sitter.

Cousins who can prove they are married will be admitted on a two for one ticket deal.






TELLING IT LIKE IT IS  -  posted on Mon. Oct. 10, 2011



Most hockey fans find the in-between period player interviews to be rather dull and boring. Almost always, the interview follows the standard pattern of softball questions and cliché answers.

Players don’t to want to offend opponents, giving them bulletin board material. They don’t want to offend fellow teammates. And they sure don’t want to anger team management for obvious reasons.

Just once, we’d like to see a player step up and really say what’s on his mind. Here’s a transcript of how that interview might unfold:

HOST: That was a tough loss for you guys.

PLAYER: Yeah it was. If we had a friggin’ goalie we’d still be playing.

HOST: Their power play was cooking tonight.

PLAYER: Their power play shouldn’t have been on the ice. That referee is a friggin’ idiot. My guess is he’s on the take.

HOST: That’s a strong accusation. Aren’t you worried about what the league will say?

PLAYER: Not really. That weasel Bettman has negotiated such a crappy t.v. package, I doubt if anyone besides your wife and my mother is watching anyway.

HOST: Maybe so, but a heavy fine could be in order.

PLAYER: Thanks to the Players Association, there are limits on how much they can fine me. I got money coming out my ears, so that won’t bother me much.

HOST: Your line was held off the score sheet tonight.

PLAYER: We were basically playing shorthanded tonight. My damn right winger was still half in the bag from last night. The guy is a piss tank, to put it mildly.

HOST: Can’t the players convince him to cut back a bit?

PLAYER: My left winger was going to say something last night, but he found a real cheap hooker in the hotel lobby and took a pass on going to the bar with us.

HOST: These off-ice distractions aren’t doing much for your playoff chances

PLAYER: No big deal. Most of us have cottages we can’t wait to get to anyway.

HOST: I always thought playoffs were a huge deal for the players.

PLAYER: There’s not much chance we could do anything in the playoffs with the clown we’ve got behind the bench. This guy is totally lost.

HOST: Comments like that can’t help your ice-time situation.

PLAYER: The coach is in the final year of his contract. His ass is on the line. He can’t afford to bench me.

HOST: You’ve got Boston coming in tomorrow.

PLAYER: I can’t stand those pricks. I hope we smoke them by ten goals. I’ll probably backcheck a few times against those morons.

HOST: But you used to play for the Bruins.

PLAYER: Don’t remind me, that town is a real dump. Ugliest girls I've ever seen.

HOST: I understand your parents are attending that game.

PLAYER: Yeah, I owe them a lot. They’re the ones that taught me that if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.

HOST: It’s been a pleasure speaking with you.

PLAYER: I’m sure it was.




HOCKEY HEADLINES  -  posted on Sun. Oct. 2, 2011



Phineas T. Barnum supposedly said: ”There’s no such thing as bad publicity.”

That being the case, Hockey Spy.com has approached the NHL’s head office with an offer to take on the role of league publicist. Within a week of being hired, our agents could arrange for a myriad of new headlines to pop up in major newspapers across North America including:

PLAYERS BENCHES REMOVED FROM ALL NHL ARENAS
Owners claim extra space needed to sell more tickets

NHL BANS SKATE SHARPENING FOR DEFENCEMEN
Scoring chances on the rise as rearguards slip and slide in vain.

SOCCER STAR DAVID BECKHAM TO JOIN PENGUINS
Pittsburgh power play unstoppable thanks to new corner-kick play.

GORDIE HOWE RETURNS TO RED WINGS LINEUP
”Always dreamed of playing with my grandchildren,” says Howe

FLYERS PUSH FOR BAN ON FIGHTING
“We’ve always opposed on-ice bullying,” says owner Ed Snider.

PLAYOFF BEARDS BANNED BY NHL
New sponsorship deal with Gillette may have been a factor.

SEDIN FAMILY SHOCKER: HENRIK WAS ADOPTED
Brother Daniel actually 11 years older than rent-a-sibling.

CHARA SETS HIMSELF UP FOR WINNING GOAL
Incredible reach allows Bruin to make and receive rink-wide pass

PHOENIX COYOTES TO HONOUR SUPER-FAN
Hasn’t missed a game in over two weeks.

NHL COACHES TO WEAR FULL HOCKEY GEAR ON BENCH
“Baseball managers have been in uniform for years,” says Bettman.

NHL GOES BILINGUAL TO APPEASE MONTREAL FANS
A jock strap will be called a Jacques strap during Habs games.

NHL GOES DIGITAL
Rather than announce goals and assists - fans will be tweeted.

DON CHERRY ARRESTED
Charged with assaulting Ron MacLean on Coach’s Corner show.

NHL COMMISSIONER BETTMAN RESIGNS SUDDENLY
Offer to play Count Dracula in new film “a dream come true”


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ALL WE ARE SAYING, IS GIVE ONE-PIECE A CHANCE  -  posted on Thurs. Sep. 22, 2011



With all the talk about labour stoppages in the NHL, NBA, and NFL, few people are aware that Hockey Spy.com is experiencing labour troubles as well.

While we aren’t at liberty to reveal how many agents we employ around the world – for obvious security reasons – we can confirm that these puck sleuths are part of a union known as the HSSAA (Hockey Spy Secret Agents Association).

Their ruthless leader is none other than former CONTROL Agent 99 Maxwell Smart. Smart likes to play dumb. But at the bargaining table, he is relentless in pushing for his membership’s demands. The current labour agreement expires at the end of October 2011.

This year the union has put together a negotiating dream team by bringing in Dick Tracy as well. Tracy wasn’t available for the previous contract negotiations as he was busy chasing Flattop, Pruneface, Itchy, and Mumbles all over North America. There was some thought given to bringing in the now-reformed Mumbles for the negotiation sessions, but having a guy mumbling at the negotiating table might actually backfire.

Hockey Spy.com has just received a list of new demands from the HSSAA and to borrow some words from the Queen of England - we are not amused.

The union is insisting on three new types of shoe-phones: running shoe-phones, dress shoe-phones and casual-shoe phones. Up until now, each agent was only issued a single pair of casual shoe-phones. These agents are obviously getting soft and/or spoiled.

Let’s hope the union doesn’t revisit the idea of skate-phones as well. The last time we issued skate-phones to the agents, half of them sliced their noses off when rushing to answer an important call.

Agents are not happy with the seat locations they have been getting when spying on NHL hockey games. There was a time when we bought our agents front-row seats, right behind the player benches. for eavesdropping purposes. But the mischievious television cameramen couldn’t resist zooming in on our agents, who looked conspicuous because of their trench coats, fedoras and stereoscope eyeglasses. The fact they were often seen talking into their watches was probably a curiosity factor as well. We eventually moved our agents up into the nose-bleed seats for their own protection.

Our agents are also lobbying for new cam-cars, to be used for clandestine casing and surveillance operations. We remind our friends at the HSSAA, that the last time we issued cam-cars, most of their spying seemed to be concentrated on the local strip joint. Granted, hockey players do frequent such establishments, but an inventory review of surveillance photos taken revealed 16 pictures of hockey players - up to no good - and 14,567 pictures of Candy Cleavage, Fluffy Madison and Chesty Larue.

In an obvious money-grab by the union, our agents want the Mole Finder Fee doubled from its current $25,000 per mole level. History has proven that higher mole fees result in phony attempts by agents to cash in. Who can forget Agent 847B trying to convince us that Don Cherry was an operative for the Swedish Hockey Federation?

Union leaders are also demanding changes to the Spy Dust Allowance Agreement. Under the current agreement, agents are supplied with enough spy dust to monitor 15 small forwards, or 10 large defencemen or 1 Zdeno Chara. We suspect our agents are getting lazy and relying too much on this chemical marking compound to do the tedious stalking work that comes with the job.

Agents are also pushing for bonus payments for any successful counter-intelligence operations within the NHL’s head office in New York. This is one request Hockey Spy.com may agree to. It won’t likely break the bank. There was a time when we had a half dozen double-agents infiltrating Gary Bettman’s operation. But after the “no toe in the crease rule” that Brett Hull torpedoed, the announcement of the trapezoid rule, and the never-ending propping up of the Phoenix Coyotes franchise, we see no tangible signs of intelligence at NHL headquarters that could be countered.

Hockey Spy.com was all in favour of issuing new taser-rings for the agents until they demanded the rings be similar in size to the Stanley Cup rings being handed out to NHL players these days. If you’ve ever seen the size of those suckers you’ll understand why that won’t be happening. Then again…if agents were wearing one of those monstrosities, they wouldn’t need taser capability built in. They could just sock the guy – using the ring hand - and down he’ll go.

Vacation time has become an issue with the union as well. They seem to forget that while most sports only have one intermission break, there are two intermissions at hockey games. How much more free time do these super snoopers need?

The union also wants to see covert missions distributed to agents on a seniority basis. Obviously these operations are popular assignments for the agents. We could tell you why, but because they are covert, we would have to kill you as well.

Hockey Spy.com suggested that the agent’s pay-stubs should be encrypted for security purposes. Maxwell Smart agreed saying “Good idea. We’re just as embarrassed about the salaries you pay out as you obviously are.” Something got lost in the translation there.

While the wages, benefits and pension issues will undoubtedly get smoothed out, there is still a chance of a strike or lockout if one other key issue isn’t resolved. That would be the Sherlock Holmes style pipes. Our agents are demanding the new one-piece composite pipes that are now out on the market. The agents believe that the new carbon nano-tubes used in these pipes will reduce cracking and allow easier mini-microphone loading as well.

For years Hockey.Spy has been issuing the standard wooden pipes. They were good enough for legendary hockey spies such as XXXX (code name Slapshot) and XXXX (code name Elbow Pad). More importantly, they were affordable. These new pipes are ten times as expensive and will put a major strain on our operating budget.

If this final contentious issue is to be resolved, both sides need to bring out the peace pipe before discussing the one-piece pipe.







TWO MINUTES FOR TWEETING  -  posted on Friday. Sep. 16, 2011



Newsflash:

The NHL’s official policy on social media includes a blackout for players, from two hours before game-time, to the finish of their media interviews following the game. The blackout includes rules for other team personnel as well: no tweeting from 11 a.m. on game days through the post-game interviews.

This may seem a bit over the top to some. But Hockey Spy.com’s agents have been able to recover some messages that NHL players tweeted last season just prior to, or just after games. After reading these, it’s pretty obvious why the NHL had to issue a crackdown for the upcoming season:

From Daniel Sedin: My brother is ugly.

From Jeff Carter: Party at my place right after the game.

From Mike Richards: Party at Carter’s place right after the game.

From Phil Kessel: Tyler Seguin sucks.

From Ilya Kovalchuk: Don’t let Jacques Lemaire’s poker face fool you. There’s a funny side to this guy. One time he asked me to backcheck.

From Alex Burrows: I had chicken fingers for lunch and Bergeron’s fingers for dinner.

From Marian Gaborik: Being injured in New York is way more fun than being injured in Minnesota.

From Kris Versteeg: I’d love to finish my career in Chicago. Or Toronto. Or Philadelphia. Or Florida.

From Zdeno Chara: Who put that stanchion there anyway?

From Evander Kane: Just bought a new house down here in Atlanta. I can see myself living here for a long time.

From David Booth: Every time I think of Mike Richards my head hurts.

From P.K. Subban: Why does everybody hate me?

From Mike Fisher: Carrie won’t let me sing on her next album. Bitch.

From Matt Cooke: Why do they call my hits cheap shots? Have you seen the fines I’m paying? They should call them expensive shots.

From Jordan Staal: Mom always liked Eric best.

From Gregory Campbell: If anyone lays a hand on me, I’ll be calling my dad.

From Sean Avery: Doing a lot of reading on the road. Just started reading How to Make Friends and Influence People. So far I don't get it.

From Martin Brodeur: Trapezoid Shmapezoid.

From Alexander Ovechkin: Anyone seen Crosby around?

From Jeff Skinner: Having a good year. Still lots to learn. Looking forward to puberty some day soon.

From Scott Gomez: Seven million. Seven goals. Sounds fair.

From Teemu Selanne: I was going to retire, but I forgot.

From Henrik Sedin: My parents almost named us Hosea and Hose B.









CAREER CHANGE  -  posted on Fri. Sep. 9, 2011



While many of today’s NHL players are financially set for life, upon retirement from the game, there was a time when almost all players were required to seek out a second career to help pay the bills.

Hockey Spy.com sent out its agents to see what some of our former hero’s are doing now, to bring home the bacon:

Former Buffalo Sabre Morris Titanic is now the captain of an unsinkable cruise ship.

Former Red Wing Daniel Shank is a golf pro.

Well-known Bruin Wayne Cashman is a banker.

Ron Shock has become an electrician.

Darryl Maggs owns a tire store.

Kirby Law is a policeman.

Former Canadien’s forward Claude Larose is now a florist.

Ex-goalie Trevor Kidd runs a daycare centre.

Greg Joly is now a comedian.

Ex-goalie Jeff Hackett is now a lumberjack.

Adam Graves is an undertaker.

Before passing away in 1984, Harold “Baldy” Cotton was a barber.

Former Washington forward Bobby Carpenter is now working as a carpenter.

Former Bruin’s coach Don Cherry is now a diplomatic ambassador - posted in Sweden. In his spare time he has authored a new best-selling book entitled “The Wrath of Grapes.”

Mike Keenan operates his own employment agency.

Naturally, former defenceman Darryl Sly was one of Hockey Spy.com’s secret agents before passing away in 2007.

Former Los Angeles King Dave Taylor runs his own men’s clothing store.

Ex-brawler Tony Twist is now on tour as a Chubby Checker impersonator.

Scotty Bowman is now on tour as a Bob Hope impersonator.


While our agents continue to chase down more retired players, Hockey Spy.com thought it would be fun to predict what some of today’s players will be doing, if forced into the working world, when their playing days are behind them:

Corey Perry could easily get hired as a diving instructor.

We expect to see Steve Ott running his own pest control business.

Look for Todd Bertuzzi to be employed as a hit-man for the mob.

Chicago forward David Bolland will own a chain of bowling alleys: Bolland’s Bowling

Sniper Rob Schremp will market a new line of seafood: Shremp’s Shrimp

Vernon Fiddler will master the electric violin.

Blair Betts will become a bookie.

Cam Barker will open up a dog kennel.

Colton Orr will change his first name to Bobby and cash in at autograph shows.

Patrick Kane will become a Buffalo cab driver.

Alex Burrows will become a cannibal.

Mike Cammalleri will become one of Santa’s elves.

Blake Wheeler will drive trucks.

Mike Fisher will play slide-guitar on Carrie Underwood's next album.

Alexei Kovalev won’t do anything, as usual.

Daniel Alfredsson will become an Alfred E Newman model for Mad Magazine.

Matt Cooke will be arrested fifty-four times for assault.

Sean Avery will open up a used-clothing store called Sloppy Seconds.

Jordan Tootoo will teach ballet and sell a new line of tutu’s.

Jody Shelley will have two daughters and name them Jody and Shelly.

And finally, based on some new intelligence just sent in from Hockey Spy.com’s Michigan based agent, we offer one last prediction:

Gordie Howe will come out of retirement and play 11 more seasons for the Red Wings, finally retiring at age 94.









THE NHL'S SECRET DRAFT  -  posted on Sat. Sep. 3, 2011



We all know about the annual NHL Entry Draft when teams select and stockpile new prospects for their farm system. Hockey Spy.com has learned that there is another draft – a secret draft - that takes place the week after the main event. This is when NHL teams select young and upcoming timekeepers, zamboni drivers, goal judges and other off-ice personnel. It is known as the Support Staff Draft.

Like all drafts, different trends come and go from year to year. For example: During the main NHL Entry Draft, for graduating juniors, you might see a lot of forwards go early one year, only to see an early run on defencemen the following year.

Ditto for the Support Staff Draft.

For instance, this year, the first five picks were all used on zamboni drivers. Fans may recall a time when NHL teams only used one zamboni to resurface the ice during intermissions. With all teams now required to use two zamboni machines, the demand for high-end drivers has increased tremendously.

Here’s the 2011 draft list and some excerpts from the scouting report on each pick.

Will Flood was the first overall pick this year - by Chicago. The scouting report says that Flood is lightning quick out of the zamboni door gates, which allows more time for the water to dry prior to the next period of play. He’s so fast, that many times, teams are still involved in their usual end-of-period swearing session with the refs, when he completes his first lap.

Nashville used the second pick to select Noah Snow. Scouts say Snow has the softest hands they have ever seen. He can turn left and right with equal grace. Last year he showed that he could play hurt as well: While working a tyke playoff game at the Anita Leadfoot Memorial Arena in northern Alberta, Snow sprained his right wrist and was still able to pull off several perfect floods using only his left hand.

Dallas went third and chose Mike Skrape, a driver with a long history of being able to see the ice like Gretzky. In fact, Skrape has never had to double back for a missed spot once, throughout his entire four-year stint at the Earl E. Bird Community Centre in suburban Detroit. Just prior to the draft, rumours were circulating that Dallas was going to swing a deal to acquire the first overall pick as well, leaving them with both Skrape and Flood as their drivers for the next twenty years. That would have been a zamboni driving dream team.

The fourth pick was used by Calgary, and they wasted no time selecting Chip Ice, who is fearless when it comes to going into the corners. When Ice leaves a corner, not a single piece of snow is left standing. Freshly dropped water makes its way to the very edge of the board’s lower plastic trim. The man simply dominates the wall.

Norm Surface was selected next, fifth overall, by the Buffalo Sabres. No one can set water flow levels like this guy can. Earlier in the week, there was talk that Surface was going to sign a deal over in Europe. But the Sabres did their homework and signed Surface to a multi-year deal only minutes after the draft had ended. Surface’s contract includes a major bonus should he win the Golden Flood Award next season. This award is voted on by the Zamboni Drivers Association membership, and is undoubtedly the highest possible honour these flood-masters can attain.

Other skills were in demand during the balance of the first round. With the sixth pick, the Florida Panthers went with Fred Pane, who is well known for his ability to replace broken glass panels that crack or shatter, when hit with a violent slapshot or errant skate blade. Last year Pane amazed the hockey world by completing a double-panel replacement in just under 4 minutes. This was a full 32 seconds faster than the previous mark.

Boston opted to go with Doran Keeper who can repair a broken player’s-bench door before a regular television timeout has expired. His quick hands – in tandem with the new graphite screwdriver that is taking hold across the league – and his left-handed screwing techniques are already legendary

Flip Switch was the first goal judge to be taken in the first round by Ottawa. He can anticipate a goal better than anyone, and will often have the goal light flashing before the puck leaves the shooter’s stick. They say that Flip Switch plays by ear. He can tell by the sound made, whether the puck hit the front crossbar or the back of the net bar. The video reviews prove over and over again what a prodigy he really is.

Vancouver fans are ecstatic to learn that the Canucks got their hands on famous timekeeper Dick Tock. This guy can save a tenth of a second better than any of his peers, with his quick thumb and keen ear. “We never dreamed Dick would still be there by the time we made our pick,” said a Canucks spokesman. “Our timekeeping problems are solved for the next 50 years, unless he drops dead sooner.”

There were a lot of other interesting picks throughout the first round, none more so than the Los Angeles Kings’ selection of famed public address announcer Mike Raphone. His golden voice will sell a lot of season tickets for many years to come. The report from Central Scouting says that his goal announcements are strong and his penalty reviews are always done on time. But no one can dish out the assists the way Raphone can. Player’s earning assists sound just as important as the guy who puts the puck in the net. Such a talent cannot be taught. You either have it, or you don’t.

In the name of transparency, the NHL has agreed that this secret draft should be secret no more. Hockey Spy.com has learned that both TSN in Canada, and ESPN in the United States, plan to carry the Support Staff Draft starting next summer. The man hired to co-ordinate this historic broadcast is none other than famed producer Cam Raman. You just know this is going to be good.




MAN FROM MARS  -  posted on Sat. Aug. 27, 2011



Hockey Spy.com’s agents routinely monitor cell phone conversations, clandestine meetings and internet communications anytime they pertain to hockey. While most of what we eavesdrop on is routine, boring stuff, we occasionally uncover a whopper of a scoop.

Recently, we stumbled upon an alien communiqué that was being sent back to their home planet of Mars, via the mother ship, regarding Earthling sporting activities they observed while here spying on our planet. The comments they made regarding the game of hockey were most interesting:

“This hockey is a strange game to say the least. They all chase this little black piece of rubber around; it’s called a puck. This puck is obviously revered by all the players - they talk about it all game long. I must have heard the players say, “puck you,” a thousand times that night."

“The idea is to shoot the puck into a rectangular item known as a net. As soon as it enters the net, some guy known as the referee races over and waves his arm wildly, pointing at the puck. This seems like a waste of time to me. If I can see it from the top row of the arena, I’m pretty sure the players on the ice can see it without his help.”

“When the teams are chasing the puck around, it will often go into the corner of the rink. From what I can tell, the smaller guys have better manners than the big guys do. Every time the puck goes into the corner, the smaller guys insist the bigger guys go in first.”

“Sometimes two equally big guys go into the corner at the same time and try to smash each other into the glass. Their protective equipment doesn't always fit right, which seems to frustrate them. Every time their protective gloves fall off they start throwing punches at each other."

“Just when the game seems to be moving along at a nice pace, it is stopped for a television timeout. This too, seems like a waste of time, because none of the fans have a television with them. The players stand around near their bench and drink water. It obviously doesn’t taste good, because they spit most of it back onto the ice. Thank goodness we brought our own water from Mars.”

“Some players seem to be on the ice all the time. Other players seem to rest on the bench a lot. I was wondering what those guys do while sitting there, so I activated our mind-scanner to check things out. One guy was staring at his boss while thinking: “Put me on the ice you friggin idiot.” The guy beside him was thinking: “For $500,000 you can sit me here all night for all I care.” The guy at the end of the bench seemed to be the happiest. He smiled while thinking: “Check out the babe in row seven.”

“The referee obviously lacks respect. He would catch a player breaking a rule - and kick him off the ice. But two minutes later that same player was back on the ice playing again.”

“Not only that, every time the referee sent a player off the ice, the rest of the team started pouting. Instead of trying to score, they kept shooting the puck all the way down the ice. Geesh, if they don’t want to play anymore - they should just go home.”

“I guess some guy named Wayne Gretzky used to be a big star in this game. From what I can tell he must have had a really huge jockstrap. I overheard a player competing against current star Sidney Crosby, telling the Penguin star that he couldn’t carry Gretzky’s jock."

“The fans are more gracious than the players. When the game is about to end, the home fans sing farewell to the visiting team. On this occasion, some player named Nananana got all the attention. The fans kept singing, “Na-na-na-na, Na-na-na-na, Hey-Hey, Good bye.”

“Maybe we could start up our own team back on Mars. It would probably take us a long time before we could seriously challenge for a Stanley Cup; probably 40 years or more - maybe longer. That’s what some guy named Burke, in Toronto, told me”




STUPID HOCKEY NICKNAMES  -  posted on Sat. Aug. 20, 2011



As the hockey world meanders through the dog days of August, there’s no better time than now to have an intelligent discussion about stupidity - in this case, hockey stupidity.

Specifically, the ever-growing list of stupid team nicknames.

For simplicity purposes, this list will be divided into three main categories: The Really, Really, Stupid List; The Standard Everyday Stupid List; and The Almost Stupid List.


THE REALLY, REALLY STUPID LIST (RRSL):

Any team using a singular nickname earns automatic and permanent membership on the RRSL.

For example: the Minnesota Wild. What the hell is that? Has anyone ever seen a group of wilds walking around? The fact that the state of Minnesota has a bunch of trees and lakes to gawk at hardly makes it a unique place to visit. Lots of places can brag of similar topography. Lots of places have telephone poles too. Why not call the team the Minnesota Telephone Poles? Oh, I’m sorry, I meant to say the Minnesota Telephone Pole.

How about the Tampa Bay Lightning? Is the fact that the area has frequent electrical storms the defining feature that makes their citizens most proud? If so, I’ve got bad news for those people. People in Carolina also use the weather as a source of civic pride. And they’ve got Tampa Bay beat two ways. Not only are hurricanes more fun to watch than a bolt of lightning, the Carolina Hurricanes put the letter “s” on the end of their nickname, thus escaping The Really, Really Stupid List, in favour of The Standard Everyday Stupid List found below.

The American Hockey League features the Abbotsford Heat. Did they think that Lebron James would play there if they went with that name? Does a long winning streak mean that the Heat are hot? And when they lose, it can be said that the Heat are not hot?

The AHL also has the Connecticut Whale. Right away one thinks back to the NHL’s now defunct Hartford Whalers. That would be Whalers with the letter “s” on the end. Everyone knows that the whale population had been shrinking steadily since Hartford last played in the NHL in 1997, but what we didn’t know was that the northeastern United States was now down to its last whale.

Which brings us to the Syracuse Crunch. Obviously the man wearing the “C” on his sweater is none other than Captain Crunch himself.

The only singular name that the AHL could have gotten away with was the Manitoba Moose. Not even Hockey Spy.com would have wanted to see them called the Manitoba Mooses. But alas, the return of the Winnipeg Jets means the end of any further Moose calls.

Major junior hockey fans have been stung by the singular nickname problem as well, starting with the Sarnia Sting.

Not to mention the Guelph Storm. Didn’t the Guelph people realize that we already had lighting bolts and hurricanes on the list?

How about the Owen Sound Attack? Is this a town that takes pride in the number of muggers stalking their streets at night?

Out west, we have the Kootenay Ice. Not a lot of thought went into that one. They obviously don’t care about nicknames, so why not make the nickname plural - if only to stay off The Really, Really Stupid List - and go with the Kootenay Ice Cubes instead.



THE STANDARD EVERYDAY STUPID LIST (SESL):

The Carolina Hurricanes top the list for reasons already stated above.

The Colorado Rockies barely escaped being part of the above RRSL, by adding the letter “s” to the end of their otherwise dumb name. Being scared of big bad Bruin bears or angry Panthers makes sense. Being afraid of a mountain, not so much.

Naming a hockey team after Penguins has its problems as well. Can you think of a living creature with a shorter stride?

Most Canadians know that the Montreal Canadiens nickname is the French version of Canadians. Being unaware of this, most Americans just think that Canadians have trouble spelling. There used to be an NHL team called the New York Americans, but American hockey fans didn’t like watching the Americans play, even if it was against a bunch of Canadians playing for the Canadiens.

Does anyone outside Canada have any idea what a Canuck is? Does anyone inside Canada know that this slang term for Canadians was originally meant as slang term for French Canadians? So in reality, the NHL has the Montreal Canadiens and the Vancouver French Canadians.

The Calgary Flames. Yes sir, when I think of fire, the first thing that comes to my mind is the city of Calgary. Which may explain why Darryl Sutter was recently fired.

The Dallas Stars’ uncertain ownership situation has forced General Manager Joe Nieuwendyk to operate with one hand tied behind his back. Former scoring leader Brad Richards bolted to the New York Rangers, leaving a team called the Stars without a star.

The AHL’s Rockford IceHogs belong on this list as well. As far as we know an IceHog refuses to pass the puck, which is a sure way to get demoted from the NHL to the AHL. Does this mean that all IceHog goals are announced as unassisted? Do fans boo home team players when they make a nice pass?

The AHL is also the home of hockey’s longest team name: The Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins. Why stop there? For 2011-2012 it will be the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton/Pennsylvania/18512/USA Penguins.

Junior hockey has the Peterboro Petes. Who was Pete anyway? And why does he have a hockey team named after him? Lucky his name wasn’t Prometheus.



THE ALMOST STUPID LIST (ASL)

If the name hadn’t been around and repeated for decades, the nickname Maple Leafs would actually sound quite dumb. And why aren’t they called the Maple Leaves anyway?

As soon as the Anaheim Mighty Ducks stopped being Mighty, they won their first Stanley Cup, which proves that a little humility can take you a long way.

There is no truth to the rumour that the New Jersey Devils are going to change their nickname. No need to, seeing as how they are coming off what can only be described as a season from hell.

In junior hockey the WHL has both the Wheat Kings and the Oil Kings. Both play an aggressive style that many consider to be a “royal” pain in the butt. If the New York Islanders leave Long Island for Queens, as rumoured, they should consider becoming the Queens Kings.

The Quebec junior league has some very interesting nicknames, to say the least, including: the Drakkar’s; the Sagueneens; the Voltigeurs; the Remparts; the Cataractes; and the Foreurs. Your guess is as good as mine.

And of course we cannot forget the Russian KHL, with a variety of interesting names including: Avtomobilist Yekaterinburg; Metallurg Novokuznetsk; Neftekhimik Nizhnekamsk; Severstal Cherepovets; and Torpedo Nizhny Novgorod.

I just sent away for a new Novgorod’s hat and t-shirt.

After reading the rest of the KHL list, the Minnesota Wild doesn’t sound so bad after all.









HOCKEY HALL OF FAME  -  posted on Sun. Aug. 14, 2011



Hockey Spy.com agents have been called in to assist the Hockey Hall of Fame in tracking down rare artifacts that may be sitting in someone’s attic, garage or ex-wife’s basement. Before trying to determine what isn’t in the Hall, we thought it was important to find out what is.

Our interrogation process would take us to two locations: The Hockey Hall of Fame in downtown Toronto, and a second location where the behind-the-scenes nerve centre of the Hall is located. This operations office is where the thousands of artifacts not currently on display are stored for safekeeping. While we could identify this secondary location for you, it would also mean that we would have to kill you. Our agents prefer to save their bullets for infiltrators, double-agents and any past member of the Oakland Seals that used to wear white skates.

The fact-finding tour was provided courtesy of Phil Pritchard, the Hall’s Vice President and Curator. Phil’s already high public profile was increased greatly in recent years, when he appeared in several tongue-in-cheek television commercials documenting his role as the custodian of the Stanley Cup. The white gloves that Phil wears when handling the cup has quietly become his own personal trademark.

See photo below with Phil Pritchard (right) and Hall of Fame Resource Centre, Manager, Craig Campbell (left).



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There is no truth to the rumour that there are dozens of Hockey Hall of Fame groupies hanging around outside Phil’s office, hoping he will autograph their own white gloves in time for this year’s prom.

Having said that, we wonder about the person he selected to be his personal traveling bodyguard when he takes the Cup on road trips.



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Then again, you can’t judge a book by its cover or a bodyguard by her bikini. Perhaps she is tough as nails. And her outfit does match his gloves.

The storage section of the facility is an 18,000 square-foot vault that oozes hockey history. Upon entering, you can sense the ghosts of games gone past looking over your shoulder. Each new artifact jolts your memory and takes you back to a time and place long since forgotten. Not only do the hockey memories re-emerge, so too do memories of an entire time period - complete with its fashions, its music and its morality.

Different rooms in the facility require different climate controlled temperature settings to preserve artifacts properly. A massive rack of milestone hockey sticks needs a 62 degrees Fahrenheit environment, while a separate room housing vintage game films and photo negatives needs the thermostat to sit at 58 degrees Fahrenheit.



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The overall volume of items is mind-boggling and must be seen to be believed. NHL history may be the most high profile feature of the Hall, but make no mistake - this is a complete hockey museum. Artifacts from minor pro, junior hockey and amateur hockey take up thousands of feet of storage space. The huge storage cabinets sit on wheels and move in an accordion style format to save space.

New artifacts entering the facility for the first time are immediately frozen for several days to ensure their purity and a long shelf life. Ditto for items that are loaned out for display across North America and Europe. Upon their return, the entire process is repeated again before they are filed away.

Beyond the obvious artifacts one would expect to see – sticks, skates, sweaters, equipment – the facility houses thousands of hockey books; hockey pictures; old programs; hockey cards; hockey stickers; hockey gadgets; hockey pucks; hockey trophies; and much, much more.

World Hockey Association artifacts are part of the Hall’s collection as well, but that wasn’t always the case. Prior to the Hall gaining independence from the NHL, artifacts from the WHA were not welcome. That didn’t stop two people from collecting as many WHA souvenirs as possible – namely former NHL goalie Chico Resch and long-time HHOF curator Lefty Reid. While their collections remained secret at the time, they are now safely in the hands of the Hall for all to see.

A room full of vintage game films, interview films, and radio tapes remain in their original metal cases, and can only be identified by the felt pen markings on top of now-yellowed tape, as they await transfer to the modern DVD format.



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The highlights of the tour were many. Jacques Plante’s original practice mask – the one that drove coach Toe Blake into a hissy fit – sits on one table. An old goalie stick from the 1800’s sits nearby waiting to be returned to its normal storage location. It looked more like a giant toothpick than the long fat-shaft units modern goalies have always used. A down-the-shaft look at a Bobby Hull curved blade explains why Plante and others were eager to get those masks on. The Hull warp was closer to being a letter “O” than a letter “C.” If Hull could pull off a top-shelf - where they keep the peanut butter - backhand shot with that banana, he might be the only one.



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A bundle of milestone Wayne Gretzky Titan sticks sits in the rack only partially opened. The Edmonton Oilers put the collection together for Walter Gretzky to take control of, but Walter never got around to opening the package. Oiler personnel failed to label them all properly, and it may now be impossible to align each stick with the proper milestone. A fabulous hockey mystery remains unsolved, possibly forever.



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A true hockey fan could undoubtedly spend several years in the facility taking in the artifacts and the stories that go with them. Every six to nine months the Hockey Hall of Fame brings artifacts in and out of the lineup to ensure that repeat visitors will always see something new. The Hall also lends out artifacts for temporary display purposes during dozens of keynote hockey events around the world each year.

But the Hall’s insatiable thirst for even more artifacts is never quenched. As a result, Hockey Spy.com’s agents are fanning out across North America in pursuit of even more. Already, only a few short hours after taking on the challenge, our agents are calling in with new treasures that will undoubtedly make the Hall staff happy, including:

The booster seat that Montreal’s Mike Cammalleri used to help him see over the steering wheel when driving to the Bell Centre.

The shoe that Mike Milbury used when he beat up a New York Rangers fan back in 1979, when the Boston Bruins crawled into the stands to do battle with the Madison Square Gardens’ faithful.

The donut that NHL referee Don Koharski was about to eat when Devil’s coach Jim Schoenfeld accused him of being a “fat pig.”

The jock strap that Minnesota North Star defenceman Shawn Chambers wore - and lost - when Mario Lemieux scored one of the prettiest highlight goals in Stanley Cup playoff history, with a deke that left Chambers grabbing at air.

The hat that Buffalo cab driver Jan Radecki wore the night he was allegedly punched by Blackhawk forward Patrick Kane in a dispute over .20 cents.

The whistle that NHL linesman Leon Stickle didn’t blow, when Duane Sutter scored an offside goal that helped the New York Islanders clinch their first Stanley Cup in 1980.

Yolanda Ballard’s old girdle featuring a Maple Leaf embossed logo on the side.

The ice cubes that Scotty Bowman chewed on when he won his final Stanley Cup as bench boss for the Detroit Red Wings.

The goalie pads that former Colorado Rockies’ goalkeeper – and Don Cherry favourite - Hardy Astrom used when he made his one and only NHL save.

The original hand-written manuscript for former New York Islander goalie Billy Smith’s soon to be published autobiography: HOW TO BEAT UP GOALIES. The book’s foreword was written by Pittsburgh Penguin goalie Brent Johnson.

The running shoes - men’s size 13, E width – that Bruin defenceman Zdeno Chara wore to his first birthday party back in March of 1988. Chara only wore them for three days before outgrowing them.

The garter belt that Nashville Predator centre Mike Fisher lent to Carrie Underwood for their wedding ceremony in 2010.

And finally, Hockey Spy.com has located the eye-patch that current Hall of Fame Curator Phil Pritchard wore for a week, right after his wife found out that his personal traveling bodyguard wore a bikini.







DANNY GALLIVAN  -  posted on Mon. Aug. 8, 2011



The NHL Network has been rerunning a great series known as “NHL Voices”. Each segment reviews the career of one of today’s talented NHL play-by-play personalities. Behind the scenes, all-access style footage takes viewers right inside the broadcast booth - before, during and after a typical home game.

There have been a lot of great play-by-play announcers over the years. But there has never been anyone better than former Hockey Night in Canada/Montreal Canadiens’ announcer Danny Gallivan.

Gallivan brought a sense of tempo and urgency that few have been able to duplicate. He invented new phrases such as: “Savardian spinorama”; “cannonating drive”; “scintillating save”; and “failed to negotiate the pass.”

Also memorable, was the evening Gallivan called a regular season game between the Minnesota North Stars and the Montreal Canadiens. He was partnered in the booth that night with colour-man Dick Irvin. As Minnesota forward Mike Eaves carried the puck up ice, Gallivan brought out another of his famous improvisations:

“And now it’s Eaves corralling the puck for Minnesota; picking up speed as he enters the Montreal zone. He turns wide and drops the puck to Hartsburg. I suppose you could say he was Eaves-dropping Dick.”

Sadly, Gallivan is no longer with us. But if he was, you can be sure he’d have a never- ending list of new phrases for his partner Dick Irvin. Hockey Spy.com has prepared a sample list of what might have been:

“And here’s the Hurricane’s down two men, as Staal turns back towards his own zone. I suppose you could say he’s Staal-ing for time Dick.”

“And the St. Louis Blues have won their third straight road game; this time in overtime on a beautiful three-way passing play with Dan Hinote getting credit for the winner. It would appear Dick that the Blues are going to finish this road trip on a real Hinote.”

“He shoots, he scores……….Matt Stajan! What a goal by the Calgary centreman. At one time the Flames were down by four, but they have whittled that lead down to a single goal with lots of time left. I suppose you could say Calgary is Stajan a thrilling comeback Dick.”

“And Boston’s Shane Hnidy - who has only scored sixteen goals in his entire career - steps up and scores the winner in overtime. The game is over. I suppose I should say Hnidy night Dick.”

“Here come the Sabres through the neutral zone. Roy; over to Savard; back to Boyes; and oh Boyes takes a big hit from Subban. Now Boyes comes right back at Subban, and they’re all in there pushing and shoving. I suppose you could say Boyes will be Boyes Dick.”

“The Devils are short-handed once again. The Canadiens continue to press. Here’s a shot from the point that is blocked by Adam Mair. He’s down and he’s hurt. The Devils’ trainer comes running onto the ice to assist him. I suppose you could say he’s running for Mair, Dick”

“The Coyotes come rushing up the ice. Yandle passes to Shane Doan. He’s got Gill one-on-one. Doan goes left, shifts right, stops and spins. It’s safe to say he Doan know what to do next Dick.”

“Montreal coach Jacques Martin wants the Gionta line out against the Drury line tonight. They had their way with them last week in New York. I suppose you could say Gionta has been called to Drury duty Dick.”

“I hear that Flames’ defenceman Adam Pardy is back in the lineup tonight Dick. He’s six-foot two and well over 200 pounds. Sounds like there’s going to be a big Pardy in Calgary tonight.”

“Now here comes Steen for the Blues. He reaches centre-ice and dumps the puck in for a line change. Oh…..he scores! The puck took a crazy bounce right in front of Carey Price and found the back of the Canadiens’ net. I guess you could say we’ve Steen it all now Dick.”

I’m sure Danny Gallivan is calling games up in hockey heaven right now. I doubt they had to talk him into it. He was probably quite EAGER to do so. And he’s probably OSGOOD now as he was then. He starts a rush with a whisper and finishes it with a YELLE. He will always give his best and never CHEECHOO. He’s just that kind of guy. Always having fun. Always JOKINEN around.




MAKING A GREAT GAME BETTER  -  posted on Fri. Aug. 5, 2011



For the second straight summer, the National Hockey League will be holding a research and development camp to experiment with a variety of new rules. Some of Canada’s top junior players will come together, for two days of shinny, to help demonstrate the new ideas to league and team executives.

We turn to Lance Hornby, of the Toronto Sun , for a list of rule changes under consideration. The comments are his.

REFEREES WITH HEAD-SETS

Would be useful for staying in touch during hectic action as it moves up ice. Ideally, both refs would make sure to be in the best possible position to judge goals or call penalties, as the official who is the furthest away often makes what can be a controversial minor call. They could also relay the linesmen’s comments or stay in touch when one ref is with the timekeeper and the other at the team benches.


NO LINE CHANGES AFTER AN OFFSIDE

Currently in effect only for a team that ices the puck, this would have the dual effect of discouraging offsides and trapping tired players, leading to scoring chances.


ONLY ON-THE-FLY LINE CHANGES PERMITTED

Coaches won’t like their matchups being messed with, but this would restrict stop-time changes only when goals are scored or manpower situations arise.


FACEOFF CHANGES

In the continuing effort to stamp out delays caused by encroaching centres and wingers, misbehaving centres will have to move back a foot, while another variation will allow the other team to pick the next man to take the draw. Faceoffs will be restricted to the five circles, erasing the neutral zone dots. One linesman will be designated for almost all faceoffs to create consistency.


HAND PASSES PERMITTED

North Americans who played baseball will have an advantage here. Just don’t close your hand on the puck.


TRAPEZOID OUT, CENTRE RED LINE IN

Two “roll-back” experiments. Goalies can once again roam to their heart’s content to play the puck, but be warned, they will be penalized for freezing a puck without at least one skate in the crease. They will likely be considered fair game for forecheckers if they get too adventurous when stick-handling.
With the red line active again, two-line passes will be restricted in the hope more players get touches in the neutral zone.


BEARHUG RULE

A Brian Burke initiative, this allows players to wrap up an opponent going into the boards to lessen impact and avoid a holding call.

(End of Toronto Sun excerpt)


With all due respect to NHL executives, Hockey Spy.com believes they may have missed out on some changes that would enhance the NHL experience in 2011-2012.

The first thing that needs to be addressed is the goalkeeping situation. Simply reducing the size of goalie equipment hasn’t made much of a difference to date, so it may be time to also consider reducing the size of the goalies as well. As of 2011, only horse racing jockeys will be eligible to play in net. It’s a win-win for both sides. Fans will see more scoring. Owners will save money on travel costs as both the starting goalie and the back-up goalie can share a single airline seat when travelling.

Following in the steps of baseball, NHL hockey coaches will now be allowed to run onto the ice to argue calls. Coaches will be provided with slip-free shoes to ensure they arrive at the argument on time. Small step-ladders will be optional for height-challenged coaches wanting to duplicate the nose-to-nose screaming matches that baseball managers use with great regularity. In lieu of being able to kick sand, NHL coaches will be allowed to kick snow at referees. Grabbing the goalkeeper’s water bottle to spray the referee’s visor will also be encouraged.

Nothing kills scoring chances more often than shot blocking. Starting in 2011, any player caught blocking a shot will be required to remove his shin pads for the balance of the game. Should that same player block another shot he will be banned from hockey for life, with no exceptions.

Off-ice changes should also be considered for the upcoming season. A new NHL plan to increase ticket sales should focus on naked women. Hockey Spy.com marketing surveys indicate that there are very few naked women attending games. There was some thought given to the idea of giving naked women a free ticket for a subsequent home game, but that idea was quashed when we realized they wouldn’t have a pocket to tuck the ticket away for safe keeping.

Selling the naming rights to NHL arenas has proven to be very lucrative for member teams. These corporate sponsors are paying big dollars to attach their names to these venues; Hockey Spy.com suggests they now be allowed to get product specific. Welcome to the Big Mac-Two All Beef Patties-Special Sauce-Lettuce-Cheese-Pickles-Onion-In A Sesame Seed Bun Forum, or the Starbuck’s Double-Double Arena-Arena.

In an attempt to attract a younger generation of fans, the NHL should consider allowing all patrons over the age of three to purchase beer. To ensure that things don’t get out of hand, anyone under the age of seven would be restricted to kids-size six-ounce cups. No single patron could purchase more than a twelve-pack at a time, and beer sales would be cut off at the eighteen-minute mark of the third period.

Laugh if you will, but I see nothing wrong with walking into the Kentucky Fried Chicken Finger Lickin’ Good Arena, to see a bunch of drunken kids barfing all over naked woman, while your favourite coach is on a step ladder, spraying water into the face of an official who had the nerve to say that your 119 lb. goalie didn’t make the save.




TIME MACHINE  -  posted on Mon. Aug. 1, 2011

 
What most people don't know is that there really is such a thing as a time machine. There has been for over 65 years. Back then, a scout for the Montreal Canadiens had a chance to leave his real-time world of 1944, to check out the NHL in 2011.

Upon his return he prepared a full report for his owner. In the introduction he announced that he had some weird news, some bad news and some strange news. Here’s the report in full:

Boss:

The first thing I noticed was that all the players wore helmets to protect their heads. Some even wore something called a visor. This is more or less a little window that covers their face for additional protection. Even the referees wore these helmets. Oh, and guess what? They were using two referees instead of one. There must have been some kind of disagreement over whose turn it was.

The goalies were all wearing really fancy masks. They were painted with all kinds of strange designs. Their pads weren't brown;they were coloured. And their catching gloves were more like baskets than trappers. They all kept a water bottle on top of the net. I can only assume there must be a lot of holes in the ice. The real weird part is that these goalies have all been taught to pretend they are butterflies whenever there is a shot on goal. No wonder all the skaters are diving in front of pucks all game long.

The player’s sticks weren’t made of wood; they had these new fangled one-piece sticks. I had a look at the stick blades too, and they weren’t even close to being straight; they were shaped like bananas. Apparently they need them warped this way so they can shoot with a new technique called the slapshot. Picture Ben Hogan teeing off on skates and you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

The arenas were huge. Just before the game began the players came out in the dark, as giant spotlights flashed the team logo across the ice. They use glass that doesn't break, instead of wire, along the top of the boards. They had a giant movie screen on the time clock that could replay goals right after they happened - in colour too! And they played strange loud music all night long. They called it rock and roll; I can’t see that lasting. Not one person was doing the jitterbug.

There was advertising printed on the boards. There was advertising on the ice. In fact, there was advertising signs everywhere I looked. They told me they needed to do that to pay the players. You'll be shocked to learn how much they get paid. You should sell your team as soon as you can.

When its time to resurface the ice a giant tractor comes out. They call it a zamboni. It not only picks up all the excess snow, it also floods the ice at the same time. This has to be a cost saver for owners. While you are paying a half dozen people to walk around with shovels and a giant barrel of water, these owners only need to pay a driver. The only problem I can see is that there doesn’t seem to be much room for the wife and kids when the driver brings it home after the game.

These players are treated like kings. They fly in giant airplanes called jets. They have telephones that don't need cords. They have people who carry around their money for them. They call them agents.

I had lunch with a few players before the game. Do you know that they don't eat steak before games anymore? Now they eat pasta and drink all kinds of water. And the prices! Yikes, the prices. You won’t be too happy when you see my expense receipts.

They still have sportswriters and newspapers, but they also have something called online newspapers. These stories appear on small moving picture screens via something called the internet, which is a dumb name for sure, but not as dumb as zamboni. I assume this is some kind of flash-in-the-pan fad. I’m not going to toss out my Electromatic typewriter just yet.

You would be quite surprised to see how the fans dress for these games. Some of them don't wear suits, and I didn't see any fedoras at all. I won’t even attempt to describe what the women were wearing, or in a lot of cases not wearing.

The players can't be very smart because most teams had 3 or 4 coaches on the bench. From what I saw, the players were awfully lazy too. Every team had four forward lines and three defence pairs. And get this – every team had two goalies! The spare guy must get real bored. And I thought first base coaches had it easy.

Here's the real shocker. Some of the players weren't born in Canada. They have players from all over Europe, and they had Americans too. It turns out that the six team league that you know has been expanded to thirty teams. Surprisingly, Penatanguishene was not awarded a team.

The players are really big and really fast, but they aren't allowed to touch the puck very much. They have a new ritual where they get to rub their glove in their opponent’s face after every whistle. Then they swear at each other for a few seconds. It looks like fun.

If the game is tied they stick around and play overtime for five minutes. These guys obviously get tired easily; each team only had four skaters on the ice! If it’s still tied after five minutes they resort to penalty shots. Before doing that, they ask the zomboni to come back out, but the zamboni must have been low on gas the night I was there; the guy only flooded the middle of the ice.

Here’s the bad news:

They tell me that until just recently, the referees weren't allowed to participate in the overtime. Apparently they were required to put their whistle in their pocket and just watch. How weird is that? Lately they have been letting the referees use their whistles again, and from what I can tell they can't stop blowing them.

I say that because when a player falls down there is a penalty every time. Sometimes the defender gets a penalty. Other times the puck carrier gets a penalty for something called "diving." Apparently some guys are falling down on purpose. And when a player shoots the puck into the crowd he goes to the box for two minutes. Pucks must cost a lot more than they used to.

On several occasions a team would score a goal and start to celebrate, but their opponents would argue that they didn’t score. You would think that with all those referees on the ice someone would have seen what actually transpired. I thought they were going to consult the goal judge, but they didn’t. They decided to phone someone who wasn’t even at the game and let him decide instead.

Things are pretty wild at some of these games. They sell beer to the fans, with good reason I suppose. All these changes would drive anyone to drink.

As for the strange news, I think their political system is totally different now. I'm sure they still have Tories and Liberals, but I don't think the Prime Minister holds the same power he held in the 40’s.

It seems some other guy is in charge of the country. I kind of like him. He dresses likes us, talks like us, and even thinks like us. He goes by the name of Don Cherry.




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